Things that MUST go

A radio station here in Salt Lake occasionally features a spot on their morning show called "List of Things that Must Go". The DJ's basically take turns commenting on things that 'must go' and give their reasons why. Here is my list:

Overly-large turbo diesel trucks: How ignorant can you possibly be??? I am talking about the F-350 types that are lifted 10 inches, have a giant novelty scrotum hanging from the chrome trailer hitch, and belch a thick cloud of black death when the driver steps the gas. Is it just me, or are the drivers of these ridiculous trucks compensating for anything that might be on the small side? I think so. Also, I am not sure if there really is a hole in the ozone, but if so, it was caused single-handedly by these things. Thanks.

Famous Stars and Straps: the official clothing sponsor of highschool dropouts nation wide.

Fast and Furious cars: your '92 Honda Civic still only has 47 horsepower even if it is painted lime green and has a vinyl ground effect kit (that is falling off in a few places). That coffee can of a muffler isn't going to help you win the pink slips to other cars, Dogg.

Metrosexual cowboys: The kind that wear fashionably bleached and tattered jeans. A tight 'vintage' tee and a crumpled cowboy hat to top off the ensemble. They can't decide if they are sheik-chillin, or sh!t-kickin. "Hey Randy, you got that new Rascal Flatts CD in yer truck? No? You got that new 50 Cent?"

Lip Piercings: Please bless this fad goes the way of the male nipple piercing, or the eyebrow piercing.

Meatheads: Dudes that go to the gym 7 days a week, and their diet consists of whey protein shakes, creatine tablets, raw tuna fish, chicken breasts, and gallons of water. They have abnormally large traps, biceps, and lats, but their legs and lower body resemble those of Gonzo. Meatheads can be seen with any number of silver hoops in their ears, puka shell necklaces, sleeveless t shirts and may be adorned with a barbed wire tattoo around the bicep. Note the hairless limbs and the ever-present ruva bed tan.

Stand Alone Goatees: Hey Todd, 1996 called, and the singers from Metallica and Godsmack want their facial hair back. Also, they said that collecting Spawn figurines is a waste of money. Medival swords too.

Smoking: Will someone please explain to me how people still get started smoking cigarettes? I fail to see how this is appealing. "Hey bro you gotta light? *spark, spark, inhale, exhale* Ahhhhhhhh, welcome to Flavor Country!"

The Insane Clown Possee: 3 rappers with stand-alone goatees that smoke, have lip piercings, wear Famous Stars and Straps and probably drive huge trucks... and they paint their faces as if they were a possee of insanse clowns. They have their own group of hardcore fans that are called Juggalos, who paint their faces in like fasion. I guess they are considered an actual gang by city police forces? Bahahahhaha.

And those, my friends, are some things that MUST go.

Hippy Treats

Let me share a couple of my recent hippy treat finds from Wild Oats.

So I guess the hip new thing among hippy health dweebs is yerba mate. The joke is on you chaco-wearing, messenger bag-toting peeps though.... Mate isn't "hip" or "new" to South Americans. Its a staple food and an ancient tradition among Argentines, Uruguayans, and Brazilians. Its like, the simplest form of customary drink around in those parts.

Anyhoo, even if it is as common as dirt in South America, I am happy that a few venture capitalist gringos who like to camp have figured out a way to make mate taste better, and make it available to people like me who live in Utah. Guayaki Mate Chocolatte is a nice blend of the traditional yerba with some cacao, and it comes in a teabag for easy use. With a squirt of honey, this stuff is bangin.

I couldn't find a picture of the other treat I found, so you will just have to look around at your local Wild Oats to find it, if you are intrigued. As I was paying for my mate, I got suckered into an impulse buy when I was looking at the other new hippy craze: dark chocolate. I found one that was a blend of curry, coconut, and dark chocolate. Let me tell you, that it was TASTY, but kinda weird. Just picture your favorite indian dish, in dessert bar form.

In an unrelated topic, let me take a few lines of this post and fill you in on the results of that juice fast/saline flush that i did for 10 days.

-It was gnarly
-I lost 13 pounds
-I have put on 3 pounds since the end of the fast
-I have no desire to eat fruit, or drink its juice
-I don't really have a desire to eat meat, either. Especially the red kind.
-After I did the saline flush (drinking 24 oz of salt water), i felt FANTASTIC. Well, not right after, but the next day I felt fantastic.
-I feel like eating healthier (well, just less soda, fried stuff, and stuff with lots of sugar)
-I know why half of America is fat though... fast food tastes really good, and you can always get it.

It was an interesting experience. One that I will likely repeat in about 6 months or so.

Finally, a reason to live again

At last. The 2007-2008 Football Season (yes, in caps) is upon us. I have written a sonnet to express my gratitude:

Let many thanks be given,

For this sacred time of year.

Let the screams of triumph,

Ring out loud and clear.

Don't hold back the curse words,

When your team is distraught.

Don’t forget to celebrate

Lest their efforts be forgot(ten).

So grab some hot wings,

And call your bro's.

Its Monday night,

Forget your woes.

The task at hand,

Is 1st and 10.

Be they angels?

Nay... they are but men.

Wishing you and yours a happy and victorious year. Make this season the best of your lives.

-Kristjan

How to Feng Shui your insides

In an attempt to be more zen-like and to harness my Chi, I have embarked down the long, bumpy, and hungry road of a juice fast. A few buddies of mine did it recently, and have since talked up the juice fast like it was the cat's a$$. I have always been a little skeptical of these crazy health practices, but these guys are living proof that this juice fast really helps you lose weight, detoxify your body, and reset your metabolism. I decided it was time to make a change and try something really challenging. I prefer most of my fruit in juice form anyways, so I figured it wouldn't be too bad.

You know that guy who is like, 134 years old, and looks like a senior citizen-version of Lance Armstrong? You always see him in those super positive infomercials where he is selling the Ultimate Juice Master Machine. I am talking about the God Father of Fitness, Jack La Lanne. Well I bought one of Jack's magic inventions, and I have been juicing for 2.5 days now. Here are my impressions so far:

• I am hungry
• I wish I was on a cheeseburger, fries, and coke-fast
• I am lethargic
• 4 celery stalks do NOT taste good when juiced with peaches and strawberries.
• I keep falling asleep
• Is this really good for you?

I have been reading articles on this website, http://www.healthrecipes.com/, and they give me some hope. According what I have read, my body has been infiltrated by a whole bunch of gnarly toxins that come from years of consuming Pringles, frozen pizza, and Mtn. Dew. As the fast goes on, your body's lymphocytes attack all of the gnar, and burn it up as fuel. This process results in physical discomfort and weakness, and is dubbed a "cleansing crisis". Well, I am right on track then.

So, I know this post isn't as witty and entertaining as some others, but my humor is being eaten from the inside currently. Anyhoo, I am fiending a huge plate of cheese ravioli, with a quesadilla on the side, but I am gonna tough this one out and prove to myself that 'mind over matter' really is a trait of a Jedi Knight.