Crunchy moments

Last week I witnessed an experience that prompted me to document it in the memo pad of my cell phone. It was a slightly awkward, slightly funny situation. It is what I might refer to as a "crunchy moment".

Have you ever gotten pine sap on your fingers and you can't get it off, and every freaking thing you touch sticks to your hand? Or have you ever sneezed four tablespoons of snot into your hand in public, and then you don't know where to ditch the matter because you know people are watching you? Those are crunchy moments.

1.) Last week I was in the bathroom before class, just siphoning the python...minding my P's and Q's. All of the sudden, this shifty looking dude comes in to the men's room. He kicks the far empty stall's door wide open, and goes in for a number one. Thats all. Number one. What was this dude hiding? Why choose the far stall in the corner of the room over the convenience of a urinal in an essentially empty bathroom just for a number one? Why did he kick the door open like he was on the SWAT team? Just weird. I could write an entire post on bizarre bathroom behavior I have observed, but for the sake of decency, I wont. Wellllll... maybe I will in the future.

2.) You stop by a fast food joint for some nourishment, fully aware that you should not ingest anything on the menu. As you are waiting for the friendly amigos at MacDo's to serve up your combo meal, you notice the morbidly obese guy over in the corner, hunched over the very burger you ordered. He looks like a big juicy caterpillar munching away at an equally juicy leaf. Whats worse than that? When you see TWO morbidly obese persons sitting at one little table, eating the same thing you just ordered. Makes you want to just leave without your food, or getting your money back.

3.) You are sitting next to a hot chick in class, and all of the sudden the smell of, what seems like a dead, burnt vagrant assaults your nostrils. The homeboy in front of you unabashedly tore up some air meat, and now the smell is wafting back to you and the hot chick. She is gonna think you did it. How are you gonna prove that you didn't?

4.) You are walking down the cereal isle at the grocery store, and the little kid to your right just put a box of Lucky Charms into his mother's shopping cart. The mother, with no shame, scolds her child right there in the middle of the store at the top of her lungs. "DAMMIT CALEB, WE CAN'T AFFORD THAT KIND, PUT IT BACK!" all the while, seizing the child by his wrist and yanking him over for a mild beating.

5.) You are walking to the break room at work and you are about to pass the person who you think is the biggest tool at your workplace, who is walking the opposite way. Do you say "Hey, how are ya?", or do you just pretend like they aren't even there?

Anyways, those are a few situations I noticed. Let me hear yours.

Power points

Oh snap! Guess who is getting a wireless signal from their neighbor??? Thats right babies, me. I am gonna take this opportunity to post some things that have been racing through my head as my MacBook Pro poaches some intraweb waves, in an ever so ninja-like fashion.

I was studying for an essay exam that I thought was tomorrow, but turns out its not til Thursday. Know what that means? I get to procrastinate, and you get to read my latest musings. Disclaimer: there really is no rhyme or reason, or relationship to any of the following points.

1.) Snow: Lots of it. Digging out every other day is becoming tiresome, but this stuff is gorgeous...glad that Brigham Young decided "This is the place".

2.) Passing of Gordon B. Hinckley: Although I am not sad, its not every day that the World loses the best person in it.

3.) Election primaries: coming up pretty soon, but I am still not quite sure who will receive my vote. If the day comes and I am still wishy-washy, I am just gonna write in "John Rambo" as the alternate. I am confident that he would sneak up on any one of our country's problems, cover its mouth, and then rip out its trachea with his bare hands. With his bare hands, man...

4.) Guilty pleasure song: "Lesson Learned" by Alicia Keys, and John Mayer. Her sultry voice, John's dripping-with-tone Strat, a simple piano melody, and a tight beat. Musician collaboration at its best. Never mind its about her getting her heart broken by some dude.

5.) Superbowl XXVIJHEBBV, or whatever it is: Who honestly cares about the Patriots or the Giants? The answer: No one. I am still gonna watch it in my Broncos gear, but only as a celebration of the 2007-2008 NFL season. I am gonna root for Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. I hope they win.

6.) New stuff I would like to purchase if me and my friends found One-Eyed Willy's treasure: A white Toyota Tacoma, new pickups for my Fender, and some gray and infared Nike Airmax 90's. Do I need any of it? No. Is that question relevant? No.

7.) This dude, Erik Mongrain: he looks like a cancer patient, or maybe a raver, or maybe a villain in Max Max Beyond Thunderdome. No, he's just Quebecois. Boy does he make a pretty tune in an unconventional way though. Enjoy Le Percusien.

List of Things that Must Go, Vol. 2

Some of you may recall a previous post, in which I outlined several things that must go. Since then, my observations about the world around me have yielded another installment of this (now officially) ongoing post. I compiled this list in class last night:

Hunting stickers: mainly found on redneck trucks, but usually depict two male elk, with horns interlocked. The word "Gladiators" can be seen underneath the image.


White girls and gang signs: seen largely on social networking sites. The generic gang sign favored is a usually a backwards "peace sign", and is usually accompanied by pursed lips, a la "kissy face".

Charlie's Angels sydrome: once again, can be seen largely in albums on social networking websites. It is where, for some unknown reason, girls feel the need to stand back-to-back, while holding up imaginary pistols made of their two hands clasped together, while posing for a picture. Why is this the default pose? (Thanks Chase, for bringing this to my list)

The response "everything", as the answer to the question "So what kind of music do you listen to?": Nelly, Kelly Clarkson, Keith Urban, Snoop Dogg, and the Killers... thats not everything.

Other things that made the list, yet need no explanation:

The Toyota Prius

Double breasted suits

Items constructed entirely from duct tape


Beaded, or shell necklaces on males

Overly scented woman lotion


Screaming or grunting loudly while lifting weights at the gym

Sketchers sneakers

Thank heavens for '07, but no hate in '08

Well, its been over a month since I last spit some truth here in my blog, but I have been a busy man. I was up to my cerebral cortex in finals and projects, and transforming my house into a Winter Wonderland for the Second Annual Sweater Party. Not to mention holiday festivities, and numerous feasting occasions in which, I took part. So as you can imagine, my Franklin Covey was full to its maroon leather-bound brim.

To catch you up a little, the Sweater Party went off as expected. Many attendees dropped by to take part in sushi, meatballs, and a pinata filled with Halloween candy and prophylactic devices (courtesy of Jordan Buttars). We pulled in a good haul of presents for the foster children, and genuinely had a pleasant evening at the Dojo.

Some think that a perfect Christmas involves a snowy setting, mirthy laughs with close family members, and a fine spread of meats and cheeses. Actually, a perfect Christmas is getting a Nintendo Wii. I am not kidding, I have been acting a gaming-fool ever since the December 25th.

New Year's Eve, or as I now call it, Over-rated Eve, was spent in the company of a few close friends. We rang in 2008 with a bottle rocket/Roman candle battle and lying to and old woman, who we were upsetting with the salvo of illegal fireworks.

Nine days have passed since that night, and I have had some time to reflect on '07. I have come up with my highlight reel:

-Best concert: Tool
-Best meal: Mango mole enchiladas from Red Iguana
-Best trip: Six Flags in LA
-Best movie: Sunshine
-Best album: John Mayer, Continuum
-Best purchase: 70's era Fender Stratocaster
-Best new hobbies: road biking and motorcycle day trips
-Best quote(s): "What the ___ kind of ritual am I gonna do with patchouli oil?" and, "The beauty is in the subtlety of the arrangement..."
-Worst day: knee surgery
-Saddest day(s): two buddies left the Dojo to pursue life in greener pastures
-Biggest accomplishment: juice fasting for 10 days

To sum it all up, it was a good year. Laughed a lot, watched friends move on to exciting things, gained a lot of work experience that will likely shape the rest of my professional career, experienced some humbling physical events, overcame those events and became healthier than ever before, had a little heartbreak, and learned some good life lessons. So thank heavens for '07, but I got no hate for '08. Be easy.

The Official Invite. Come one, come all.

Andy Williams was right...

It truly is the most wonderful time of the year. The snow has finally fallen, the semester is almost over, my skis have been waxed, and most importantly, the 2nd Annual Jazzy Dojo Sweater Charity Benefit Party is just right around the corner.

I am tickled a light shade of red -almost pink- to announce that the long-awaited sweater party will be held in the beloved Dojo (my house) on December 15. Stay tuned, cause I will post this year's official invite that was created by our in-house Creative Team (Adam Hook). It is sure to be an instant collector's piece.

For those of you that did not attend last year, allow me to paint a picture in your cerebral cortex (located near the lymbic system), of last year's soiree, so that you have an inkling of what to expect this year:

Ahem...

Merriment,
Crackling fire.

Misletoe,
Man's desire.

Cozy sweaters,
Gifts galore.

Candied nuts,
Egg nog? Yes please, more.

Vintage tree,
twinkling lights.

Gleeful faces,
Magical night.

If you are reading this entry, you know you are invited. Please come by the Dojo and share a classy evening with family and friends on the 15th. Don't forget to wear your favorite school teacher holiday sweater, and bring a toy or blanket for donation to a local charity for foster children. Until then, enjoy this artist's depiction of last year's event. Stay jolly.

Aromapalooza

I am nasally fixated. People (girls) think its weird when I want to smell them after they walk by and I catch a big nasal cavity-full of their sex appeal. Come on, there's nothing creepy or stalkerish about that. You're watching too many movies. But you have to admit, nothing can put the exclamation point on a memory like a distinct smell.

Tonight in my marketing class, I brainstormed a list of scents that set me off like Monty Jack (Rescue Rangers) after smelling some cheese. " 'Ey Zippah! Is that CHEE-YEE-YEESE?"

See if you have any in common.

• WD-40
• Sea Breeze astringent
• cotton candy
• brand new sneakers
• nail polish
• Mile High Stadium
• Novelty smoke in concerts/stage shows
• a freshly opened Red Bull
• puppy breath
• Old Spice High Endurance deodorant
• wet sidewalk
• the Wonderbread Store
• peachy peach scented pine tree air fresheners
• cedar chips in parking lot dividers
• Sharpie markers
• the inside of acoustic guitars
• Windex
• Koosh balls
• brand new books from your Scholastic book order in elementary school
• wet wood
• Nag Champa incense
• hot ski wax
• bacon cheese burgers
• a freshly painted room (latex)
• the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland
• fireworks
• pipe tobacco
• leather seats in a car
• jack-o-lanterns with candles in them
• girls' hair
• garlic bread in the oven
• asados
• brand new electronic appliances (TV's, computers, speakers)
• Adam's mom's cookies
• chamomile flowers in San Martin de los Andes in the spring
• Oktoberfest at Snowbird
• a BBQ in the evening during summer
• Dairy Queen blizzards
• freshly mowed lawn
• panaderias in the morning
• palo santo wood
• new can of tennis balls
• Mr. Sketch markers, even the black ones
• clean carpet
• pine sap
• roasted marshmallows
• aspens after rain/snow in the fall
• coffee early on Christmas morning
• motorcycle exhaust
• yerba mate