A radio station here in Salt Lake occasionally features a spot on their morning show called "List of Things that Must Go". The DJ's basically take turns commenting on things that 'must go' and give their reasons why. Here is my list:
Overly-large turbo diesel trucks: How ignorant can you possibly be??? I am talking about the F-350 types that are lifted 10 inches, have a giant novelty scrotum hanging from the chrome trailer hitch, and belch a thick cloud of black death when the driver steps the gas. Is it just me, or are the drivers of these ridiculous trucks compensating for anything that might be on the small side? I think so. Also, I am not sure if there really is a hole in the ozone, but if so, it was caused single-handedly by these things. Thanks.
Famous Stars and Straps: the official clothing sponsor of highschool dropouts nation wide.
Fast and Furious cars: your '92 Honda Civic still only has 47 horsepower even if it is painted lime green and has a vinyl ground effect kit (that is falling off in a few places). That coffee can of a muffler isn't going to help you win the pink slips to other cars, Dogg.
Metrosexual cowboys: The kind that wear fashionably bleached and tattered jeans. A tight 'vintage' tee and a crumpled cowboy hat to top off the ensemble. They can't decide if they are sheik-chillin, or sh!t-kickin. "Hey Randy, you got that new Rascal Flatts CD in yer truck? No? You got that new 50 Cent?"
Lip Piercings: Please bless this fad goes the way of the male nipple piercing, or the eyebrow piercing.
Meatheads: Dudes that go to the gym 7 days a week, and their diet consists of whey protein shakes, creatine tablets, raw tuna fish, chicken breasts, and gallons of water. They have abnormally large traps, biceps, and lats, but their legs and lower body resemble those of Gonzo. Meatheads can be seen with any number of silver hoops in their ears, puka shell necklaces, sleeveless t shirts and may be adorned with a barbed wire tattoo around the bicep. Note the hairless limbs and the ever-present ruva bed tan.
Stand Alone Goatees: Hey Todd, 1996 called, and the singers from Metallica and Godsmack want their facial hair back. Also, they said that collecting Spawn figurines is a waste of money. Medival swords too.
Smoking: Will someone please explain to me how people still get started smoking cigarettes? I fail to see how this is appealing. "Hey bro you gotta light? *spark, spark, inhale, exhale* Ahhhhhhhh, welcome to Flavor Country!"
The Insane Clown Possee: 3 rappers with stand-alone goatees that smoke, have lip piercings, wear Famous Stars and Straps and probably drive huge trucks... and they paint their faces as if they were a possee of insanse clowns. They have their own group of hardcore fans that are called Juggalos, who paint their faces in like fasion. I guess they are considered an actual gang by city police forces? Bahahahhaha.
And those, my friends, are some things that MUST go.
6 comments:
I really like how you tied everything together with the Insane Clown Possee closure. Do you know how to spot Juggalos? Well, I hear that they put some type of ICP sticker on their cars. That is really nice of them too because then us non-ICP people know to stay away from their kind.
Not only 'must they go', how did they even begin?
I must add one thing to your list of things that must go:
The "Charlie's Angels" phenomenon. This is when a group of girls is about to get a picture taken and they sudden burst into a full on pose with their hands clasped together to make the shape of guns. If you have ever seen a myspace or facebook page (regrettably,I've seen my share) this is one of the most common, and annoying things girls do in pictures. Right up there with the "fish face" pictures. (Yeah ladies, it makes your face slightly thinner looking...and disgusting.)
What about dirty hippies? Although I think that with your latest posts about mate and juice fasts you are edging closer and closer. Are you using a rafting strap as a belt yet or have you crocheted a beanie?
So I'll be in Utah NEXT WEEK!!! I'm really excited. It's Des's birthday next Saturday (not that we need any excuse to party) but we need to play. We were talking about biking Saturday morning. What are your plans, I think this comment is getting really long, I'm just going to call you.
spot on with those trucks dude. i think they usually belong to kids who grew up watching monster truck rallies in the 80's. i think cops should be able to ticket them for every black plume they spew each time they speed away from a stop light. even better, cops should impound their trucks and issue them 50cc scooters instead
what's up man! Like the blog....It's hard to think of anything that Stephen Colbert hasn't already put on notice or the list of things dead to him ie: bears, Lutherans, New York intellectuals, and the huge black hole in the middle of the universe; but I think he hasn't said anything about guys who wear girls jeans,and Hillary Clinton yet?.....
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