cause I spit, hot, fiyah!

Breathing easy

2008-12-02T10:10:00.000-08:00

I am a self improvement kinda guy. Every now and again, you gotta clean yourself up, and clean yourself out, right? "Well what about reaching those tucked away little nooks and crannies like your sinus cavities?", you ask. Fear not, because yoga practitioners and wholistic healer types have been using a simple little devices for millions of years to clean out the nose: the Neti pot.

Simple in design, the neti pot looks just like a small watering pot thingy that you use to water your indoor cacti, flowers, and spider plants. This little guy has a spout that fits perfectly into the human nostril though. The general idea is that you mix up a mild saline solution and pour it in one nostril, let it swish around the sinus cavity, and then pour out the other nostril into the sink. The gentle cleansing process removes harmful buildups of pollen, dust, grime, and other airborne caca. Its kind of a foreign feeling, but you have to focus on not laughing, or you get a salty/mucousy sludge draining down your throat.

Yeah I know this seems kinda bizarre... but lemme tell you that after neti-ing, I slept like a baby angel with a belly full of heaven milk, cradled in the arms of an obese, autistic panda bear. Breathing through the nose is pleasant, and my olfactory sense is heightened. I bet I could smell lightning before it even strikes now. Its that good. You should try it.

Hike'n'fly

2008-11-19T12:41:00.000-08:00

I joined some of the local flying hippies for an early morning jaunt up Beacon Hill for some exercise and a flight this morning (I know, I know... ANOTHER post about flying). November has been particularly mild, and since I can't raise enough loot for a season pass, I am hanging on to the nice days of paragliding to fill the outdoor recreation-shaped hole in my heart.

Its crazy what people will do to get their thrill on. Icy temps and the grueling hike certainly sucked, but did not deter me from logging a flight today. Beacon Hill is located north and slightly east of the U of U campus, so you hike up Red Butte Canyon to reach it. Conversation with the local flying duders includes such subject matter as previous flights, what kind of a current rig you are using, weather, other gnarly activities, and of course, jokes. Heard this one on the way up:

"Whats the difference between a rectal thermometer and an oral thermometer?"
"The taste."

HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR!!!!!
Anywhoms, its nice to see the city you live in from a different angle. It makes everything just look so tiny. Here are some visuals. Enjoy, and be easy to one another.

The launch site

Flying into the gross. Looking at the U of U and downtown SLC.

From the landing zone. Beacon Hill in retrospect.

Birds of a Feather

2008-11-11T11:09:00.000-08:00

Nicky (my brother) and I got my dad a tandem flight for Father's Day back in June. We finally got him up in the air a couple weeks ago. It was a picture-perfect soaring evening down at the Point of the Mountain. The instructor let Dad fly the rig, and even pull some acro moves on the way down. The Old Man had an ear-to-ear grin when he landed.

I got out in the air and flew along side Dad and my instructor, Chris. What a dope experience that was. Now if only I could get the rest of my nearest and dearest out under some Skytex...

Family togetherness

2008-11-03T18:39:00.000-08:00

From the Warren Jeffs Clan: Hope your Halloween was full of tricks and treats. And by tricks, we mean 15 year olds.

The Kid says "Happy Halloween"

2008-10-31T10:41:00.000-07:00

JK about the last post. Lots of things have been happenin in Duder's life. Lots of things requiring brain waves and good juju, channeled to other facets of my everyday living. The good news is that I am back online, and will be spitting more hot fiyah.

Lets end the drought with a pic of my most recent pumpkin masterpiece. Jack-o-lanterns were a sign of good fortune to the Orientals in the 3rd century BC. Don't believe me? Wiki that. Anywhoms, I chose to go with a Prince/Purple Rain motif this year. I hope that "the Kid" brings you good fortune tonight on this Hallow's Eve.

This was a test

2008-10-31T09:04:00.000-07:00

.... and you all failed it. I was purposefully not posting anything for a while, cause I wanted to see the dedication and desire from my readers to keep the flow coming. I only received menacing emails about my unannounced sabbatical from Adam, and no one else. Shame.

The Glory Hole

2008-08-27T11:07:00.000-07:00

On a recent trip to Colorado, my brother and I witnessed the Glory Hole. Hold it. I am not talking about that kind of glory hole. I am talking about this old iron mine that is the home to 250,000 Brazilian free tailed bats. At dusk, they all come out to feast on small bugs. According to the plaque in front of the mine, they eat up to 1/3 of their body weight in mosquitoes and moths and the sort. Pretty brutal.

The hike to the cave was a trip in itself. You see, in order to get to the cave, you have to hike through a campground laden with natural hot spring pools. As you might guess, it is a clothing-optional sanctuary. From the Tibetan prayer flags hanging over the cabins, to the community bathroom/shower, it was a naturalist's playground. I couldn't help but wonder to myself as I walked by this dude brandishing his fleshy little stalactite: "At what point in your life do you decide that you want to show off your gravity-stretched cash and prizes to your peers? When do you decide that you would rather be naked than clothed?" Whatever, I suppose.

Our view of Mordor

Nick in front of the cave

250,000 Bats

Anywhere but here, anything but work

2008-08-14T11:25:00.000-07:00

This summer has been a bit of a bust, vacation-wise, for me. With a new high-pressure job, and bills to pay, I haven’t been able to do 1/50th of the things I dreamed of doing once I was finally emancipated from college. Its not even that work is so grueling, but just I usually run through a list every day of things I would rather be doing/places I would rather be. Here is my wish list today:

- Getting on the Tatsu at Magic Mountain
- Finishing up a morning wakeboard sesh at Lake Powell
- Watching a couple episodes from Prison Break season 3
- Riding Porcupine Rim in Moab
- Sitting in a canoe on the Green River with some red vines in my hand
- Shooting guns
- playing my guitar on the couch, watching the Olympics
- Riding to Sturgis
- eating some fresh tacos
- tooling around Washington DC
- scuba diving. Looking at small fish and other sea creatures.
- flying a paraglider
- wrassling with a dog
- kicking a soccer ball around
- magic dooring a movie
- learning about dinosaurs on the Discovery Channel
- watching the Dark Knight again
- carving a stick
- making nachos
- swimming
- watching Shark Week
- playing with a switch blade
- preparing a large bowl of ice cream
- playing with expensive guitars at Guitar Center
- jumping off some cliffs in Flaming Gorge
- depositing some money into my bank account

Happy Birthday to me

2008-08-06T15:36:00.000-07:00

I am 26 today. Happy birthday Kristjan. Thanks for the perfect cake Steph!

*Note the rasta colored paraglider.

The Blob launch

2008-07-31T10:54:00.000-07:00

Holy crap this looks like so much fun:

Amazing Blob Jump Launch - Watch more free videos

"Now you know why the birds sing man..."

2008-07-24T15:21:00.000-07:00

Thats what my sky diving tandem partner said to me after the first jump. Cornball to the nth degree, I know. Kinda insightful though, don't you think?

One thing is for certain though: free flight is awesome.

I managed to affix my little camera on to my harness the other night with a gorillapod . Enjoy this little POV video I captured the other night on a desert tow.

Worth a Thousand What-Have-Ya's

2008-07-17T08:42:00.000-07:00

I was searching for random images of this hike in Southern Utah that I’m finna do in mid September, when I stumbled across Michael Anderson's site, LightScapePhoto.com.

Upon, first impression I thought it was just a few pics from some random dude’s travels to different points on the map. As my index finger wheeled the screen down even further, my inner-hippy lost its damn mind. Not only are the pictures incredible, but this dude has been to about every amazing place on the planet, including the Patagonia- a place very dear to my heart.

How many times have you seen something that leaves you speechless, and the only way to preserve even a semblance of the memory is through a marginal photograph you casually snap off? Happens to me all the time. Probably happened to this guy as well, so he bought a Hasselblad CF39MS - a 39 megapixel camera that costs $43,000. Yours and my camera probably has 10 or 12 megapixels at best. His captures 4x the awesomeness and vibrancy and intensity and brutality that our simple little contraptions do.

Have look for yourself. This might actually be one of those times when the picture does do it justice.

Give a little Stretch, and a Bend

2008-07-09T08:51:00.000-07:00

Peep the new Taco Cart Express, the Snow Cone Transport, the Liberty Park Limousine, etc. I think I shall name her "Santa Rosa". Throw out some other idears. Hope you are all having a tasty summer.

Quite possibly my favorite toy from the 80s

2008-06-26T16:24:00.000-07:00

FLEX!!! ARGGGH ITS JUST SO BRUTAL!!!

Treading lightly...

2008-06-20T10:57:00.000-07:00

....in a fresh new pair of Reebok Pumps. Hope you all are stepping nicely today.

Pick a color

2008-06-06T09:16:00.001-07:00

I mentioned that I started paragliding lessons a little over a month ago in a previous post. Hop in your DeLorean, switch on the Flux Capacitor, and punch in June 13, 2008. As soon as you hit 88 mph, you will find out that I have logged over 30 flights and I am basically a certified P2 paraglider pilot. Excellent (in Wayne Campbell voice). I snapped this picture with my cell phone; the dotted line across the middle of the photo is actually rush hour traffic, southbound on 1-15.

Things are going along just swimmingly, which is ironic, because well… I am flying. Almost as ironic as rain on your wedding day or a free ride when you’re already late. Anywhoms, I have entered a critical stage of the paragliding experience... which color glider should I buy. Here are the options, vote for your favorite.

There ya go Christine.

Old men who look like lesbians

2008-05-30T08:13:00.000-07:00

As of late Anthony Kiedis kinda looks like an old dyke. Check this blog out.

Glad tidings of great joy

2008-05-05T22:03:00.000-07:00

Lots of changes in Ol' Duder's life. I have to dedicate this post to all of the latest and greatest of my life. As my faithful readers know, this webspace is NOT my travel log, but a place for my brain to spill some html code. That being said, too many good things have happened recently to just ignore. Here's whats been up:

Moved into a new house: After 2 years, my tenure at the beloved Dojo (1804 S. 1700 E.) has come to an end, due to the fact that our landlord sold the place. The Dojo was the scene of many wonderful gatherings (including 2 sweater parties), several Tiki Lounge sessions, and the venue for our reggae band, the Needy Greedy. If the walls of that place could talk, they would most likely say "Repent", but they would also chuckle at all of the great memories made therein. *Sigh. Oh well, gone are the days of living in a weird old house, paying way too much money for utilities, and dealing with a ridiculous landlord. We were so happy to be out of there, that we lit off strings of firecrackers inside the house for about the last 2 weeks of our stay.

Our new place is tentatively being called "The Cove", in part to its proximity to Olympus Cove. Its a cozy place, but hasn't proved to be a memory maker just yet. More to come on the Cove...

I graduated from the U of U: This one was 6 years in the making, but at last it is over. Yeah its only a BS in Marketing, but you know what, I have never graduated from college before, so its a big deal for me. No more group projects, no more pretentious professors, and NO MORE fighting tooth and nail for a mini parking spot at the U of U.

I got a new job at Alliance Health: I spent 11 months as an intern at a marketing agency called Studeo Interactive Direct, and I was counting on a smooth transition into a salaried position, but to my surprise, I was denied such an offer. No matter, because I quickly found a position with a great little start up called Alliance Health. My skills learned at Studeo are being exercised to their very limits at this new gig. Although challenging, I am excited to finally be appreciated in a professional sense.

Last but not least, and what I am most excited about, I started paragliding. My mother, bless her heart, treated me to lessons as a graduation present. I can't even begin to describe how me paragliding is. Those that know me well will probably agree. In two weeks, I have logged 10 flights: a handful of tandems, and several solos, including a solo from 1500 feet. Needless to say, I have fallen deeply in love, and I hope to buy a glider rig in the next month or so. More to come on this...

Anyways, just thought I would share a few happy bits of news with you all... life feels pretty good right now.

Startisha

2008-04-24T14:29:00.000-07:00

Well, the Seventh Seal (finals week) has been opened, so I have been studying like a Korean molecular engineering student named Pho Kung Phet. At about 11 pm last night, the roommates and I decided that we needed to get out of the house for a bit, and maybe go use the free wifi at a late night coffee shop.

Thirteen minutes later, we were unpacking our laptops and books for a little study sesh at Salt Lake Coffee Break, located in downtown SLC. About the time that I started to purposefully distract myself by surfing the web instead of reviewing a web article for class, an odd site caught my eye.

This young black girl, maybe 22, came walking into the coffee shop with no shirt on. Don't worry, she had her brassiere on... kind of. Actually, her "situation" was a little discombobulated, and her right nip was completely periscoping from the top of the cup, but thats neither here nor there. Other than the indecent exposure, there didn't really seem to be anything else amiss with her.

I tried not to stare as she walked behind me, but I couldn't help but keep her in my periph, just in case any other shenanigans went down that I needed to witness As my luck would have it, she pranced over to our table and stood right next to me. Like, her hip was about to touch my right shoulder and I could smell her breath. She dropped a coupon to try Sprint's new service plan on the table and walked off without a word. A few minutes later, she came back and stood in the exact same spot, and pulled a stack of photos out her back pocket. As it turns out, they were a stack of those little proof photos that you get when you develop film at Wal Mart. You know, the kind that have a thumbnail of every picture on the roll. She carefully reviewed each proof, and then laid it down next to me for approval. After a minute of this, I summoned my most "what the hell?"-face and said "So... are these yours?"

Not looking me in the eye, she just responds "Be my guest. Just be sure to leave them to the owner when you are done. He will give them back to me". I glanced at a couple of them, and they consisted of completely random photos of her face, the Salt Lake Temple, a couple shots of Dicks Sporting Goods at the Gateway mall, and a few pics of some car tail lights.

As I was formulating a reason for why this chick was acting completely loony, I looked up from the proofs at the same moment she was launching into a full pirouette, all the while singing along to "Billie Jean", as it was playing on the house stereo system. She stopped for a moment to glance at a flier, gave it a laugh, and then went back to "... be careful what you do, don't go 'round breakin young girls' hearts, Yeaah eaaaah.". For the grand finale, she went into full out gymnast splits to grab a flier that was laying on the ground, and walked silently out of the coffee shop.

Scout's honor, I didn't just make this up.

Stuff White People Like

2008-04-16T22:16:00.001-07:00

This blog slays me. At last, a comprehensive list of things that sums up the average Caucasian. Aren't stereotypes bad/wrong? No way man. There's a reason stereotypes exist: cause they're true.

My own contributions to the list of stuff that white people like:

-wearing sandals with jeans
-facial piercings
-smoothies
-rock climbing
-coupons
-Seinfeld
-sport sunglasses
-surfwear
-cycling
-mediocre restaurants
-festival concerts
-tattoos containing designs from distant cultures
-yoga
-stickers on their car
-American Eagle

Secure in my masculinity

2008-04-10T09:56:00.000-07:00

I just did something borderline h-mo... I am not sure why I feel it necessary to divulge such things in Spit Hot Fiyah, but maybe its to give you all a better insight as to what makes me tick, my quirks, my strengths, and my cunning. I'm kind of a funny guy.

Anyways, I just purchased 4 near-front row tickets to John Mayer, who will be shredding Salt Lake on July 21. These babies were expensive...thank Jah Jah for the Visa. Thats not all, I actually paid $25 a few days ago to join the Local-83, which is Mayer's official fan club. Local-83 members get first dibs on presale tickets, access to the pre-concert soundcheck, and a bunch of other crap. Clearly, you can see that paying club dues was necessary to ensure that I will be sitting within spitting distance of all the shred.

H-mo? Yeah, kinda. But... if you older folks had the chance to see Stevie Ray Vaughan or even Hendrix from that proximity, you'd have done the same thing. Thats right, I compared them.

Another crunchy moment...

2008-03-31T14:18:00.000-07:00

*Calling your co-worker (whom you have been acquainted with for almost a year) the wrong name. Ugh, if that doesn't make you feel like a dick, nothing will. I just did this.

On the flip side of this crunchiness, I purposefully let this new dude at work call me "Scott" for the better part of 3 weeks. When he found out, I could tell he felt like he had just stepped in gum. I felt justified in doing this since I introduced myself at work, and even at church.

Cause I spit hot fiyah?

2008-03-27T12:35:00.000-07:00

I've gotten a few questions in regards to the name of my blog. Where did I get such a tasty saying you ask? The answer is Dylan.

Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, Dylan and Dylan.

The Natural Progression of Bachelorhood

2008-03-25T09:57:00.000-07:00

I'm a go-with-the-flow kinda guy. When it itches, I scratch it. It just so happens that I itched for a new ride. I scratched it. Though my possessions do not define who I am, they are a symbol of my hard work and cunning.

Out with the old:

Jah Wagon of Bump aka the Legasexy, aka the Silver Sherpa.

And, in with the new:

Unofficially the Dub Truck as of right now.

Back from the vacay

2008-03-25T09:52:00.000-07:00

Ugh. Sorry for the unannounced hiatus from SpitHotFiyah. The month-long separation has given me perspective and new shiite has come to light, man. Stay tuned for mo' hot fiyah coming soon.

2008-02-20T17:34:00.000-08:00

Self explanatory.

Burger King Quad Stacker

Long John Silver's Lobster Bites

Deep-fried pizza

Arby's fried Cheesecake Poppers

Wendy's Baconator

The reasons why America has man boobies and a gut.

Scream

2008-02-12T10:40:00.000-08:00

A small video tribute to one of the most fun days of my life.

Crunchy moments

2008-02-06T17:07:00.000-08:00

Last week I witnessed an experience that prompted me to document it in the memo pad of my cell phone. It was a slightly awkward, slightly funny situation. It is what I might refer to as a "crunchy moment".

Have you ever gotten pine sap on your fingers and you can't get it off, and every freaking thing you touch sticks to your hand? Or have you ever sneezed four tablespoons of snot into your hand in public, and then you don't know where to ditch the matter because you know people are watching you? Those are crunchy moments.

1.) Last week I was in the bathroom before class, just siphoning the python...minding my P's and Q's. All of the sudden, this shifty looking dude comes in to the men's room. He kicks the far empty stall's door wide open, and goes in for a number one. Thats all. Number one. What was this dude hiding? Why choose the far stall in the corner of the room over the convenience of a urinal in an essentially empty bathroom just for a number one? Why did he kick the door open like he was on the SWAT team? Just weird. I could write an entire post on bizarre bathroom behavior I have observed, but for the sake of decency, I wont. Wellllll... maybe I will in the future.

2.) You stop by a fast food joint for some nourishment, fully aware that you should not ingest anything on the menu. As you are waiting for the friendly amigos at MacDo's to serve up your combo meal, you notice the morbidly obese guy over in the corner, hunched over the very burger you ordered. He looks like a big juicy caterpillar munching away at an equally juicy leaf. Whats worse than that? When you see TWO morbidly obese persons sitting at one little table, eating the same thing you just ordered. Makes you want to just leave without your food, or getting your money back.

3.) You are sitting next to a hot chick in class, and all of the sudden the smell of, what seems like a dead, burnt vagrant assaults your nostrils. The homeboy in front of you unabashedly tore up some air meat, and now the smell is wafting back to you and the hot chick. She is gonna think you did it. How are you gonna prove that you didn't?

4.) You are walking down the cereal isle at the grocery store, and the little kid to your right just put a box of Lucky Charms into his mother's shopping cart. The mother, with no shame, scolds her child right there in the middle of the store at the top of her lungs. "DAMMIT CALEB, WE CAN'T AFFORD THAT KIND, PUT IT BACK!" all the while, seizing the child by his wrist and yanking him over for a mild beating.

5.) You are walking to the break room at work and you are about to pass the person who you think is the biggest tool at your workplace, who is walking the opposite way. Do you say "Hey, how are ya?", or do you just pretend like they aren't even there?

Anyways, those are a few situations I noticed. Let me hear yours.

Power points

2008-01-28T22:19:00.001-08:00

Oh snap! Guess who is getting a wireless signal from their neighbor??? Thats right babies, me. I am gonna take this opportunity to post some things that have been racing through my head as my MacBook Pro poaches some intraweb waves, in an ever so ninja-like fashion.

I was studying for an essay exam that I thought was tomorrow, but turns out its not til Thursday. Know what that means? I get to procrastinate, and you get to read my latest musings. Disclaimer: there really is no rhyme or reason, or relationship to any of the following points.

1.) Snow: Lots of it. Digging out every other day is becoming tiresome, but this stuff is gorgeous...glad that Brigham Young decided "This is the place".

2.) Passing of Gordon B. Hinckley: Although I am not sad, its not every day that the World loses the best person in it.

3.) Election primaries: coming up pretty soon, but I am still not quite sure who will receive my vote. If the day comes and I am still wishy-washy, I am just gonna write in "John Rambo" as the alternate. I am confident that he would sneak up on any one of our country's problems, cover its mouth, and then rip out its trachea with his bare hands. With his bare hands, man...

4.) Guilty pleasure song: "Lesson Learned" by Alicia Keys, and John Mayer. Her sultry voice, John's dripping-with-tone Strat, a simple piano melody, and a tight beat. Musician collaboration at its best. Never mind its about her getting her heart broken by some dude.

5.) Superbowl XXVIJHEBBV, or whatever it is: Who honestly cares about the Patriots or the Giants? The answer: No one. I am still gonna watch it in my Broncos gear, but only as a celebration of the 2007-2008 NFL season. I am gonna root for Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. I hope they win.

6.) New stuff I would like to purchase if me and my friends found One-Eyed Willy's treasure: A white Toyota Tacoma, new pickups for my Fender, and some gray and infared Nike Airmax 90's. Do I need any of it? No. Is that question relevant? No.

7.) This dude, Erik Mongrain: he looks like a cancer patient, or maybe a raver, or maybe a villain in Max Max Beyond Thunderdome. No, he's just Quebecois. Boy does he make a pretty tune in an unconventional way though. Enjoy Le Percusien.

List of Things that Must Go, Vol. 2

2008-01-17T09:54:00.000-08:00

Some of you may recall a previous post, in which I outlined several things that must go. Since then, my observations about the world around me have yielded another installment of this (now officially) ongoing post. I compiled this list in class last night:

Hunting stickers: mainly found on redneck trucks, but usually depict two male elk, with horns interlocked. The word "Gladiators" can be seen underneath the image.

White girls and gang signs: seen largely on social networking sites. The generic gang sign favored is a usually a backwards "peace sign", and is usually accompanied by pursed lips, a la "kissy face".

Charlie's Angels sydrome: once again, can be seen largely in albums on social networking websites. It is where, for some unknown reason, girls feel the need to stand back-to-back, while holding up imaginary pistols made of their two hands clasped together, while posing for a picture. Why is this the default pose? (Thanks Chase, for bringing this to my list)

The response "everything", as the answer to the question "So what kind of music do you listen to?": Nelly, Kelly Clarkson, Keith Urban, Snoop Dogg, and the Killers... thats not everything.

Other things that made the list, yet need no explanation:

The Toyota Prius

Double breasted suits

Items constructed entirely from duct tape

Beaded, or shell necklaces on males

Overly scented woman lotion

Screaming or grunting loudly while lifting weights at the gym

Sketchers sneakers

Thank heavens for '07, but no hate in '08

2008-01-09T15:00:00.000-08:00

Well, its been over a month since I last spit some truth here in my blog, but I have been a busy man. I was up to my cerebral cortex in finals and projects, and transforming my house into a Winter Wonderland for the Second Annual Sweater Party. Not to mention holiday festivities, and numerous feasting occasions in which, I took part. So as you can imagine, my Franklin Covey was full to its maroon leather-bound brim.

To catch you up a little, the Sweater Party went off as expected. Many attendees dropped by to take part in sushi, meatballs, and a pinata filled with Halloween candy and prophylactic devices (courtesy of Jordan Buttars). We pulled in a good haul of presents for the foster children, and genuinely had a pleasant evening at the Dojo.

Some think that a perfect Christmas involves a snowy setting, mirthy laughs with close family members, and a fine spread of meats and cheeses. Actually, a perfect Christmas is getting a Nintendo Wii. I am not kidding, I have been acting a gaming-fool ever since the December 25th.

New Year's Eve, or as I now call it, Over-rated Eve, was spent in the company of a few close friends. We rang in 2008 with a bottle rocket/Roman candle battle and lying to and old woman, who we were upsetting with the salvo of illegal fireworks.

Nine days have passed since that night, and I have had some time to reflect on '07. I have come up with my highlight reel:

-Best concert: Tool
-Best meal: Mango mole enchiladas from Red Iguana
-Best trip: Six Flags in LA
-Best movie: Sunshine
-Best album: John Mayer, Continuum
-Best purchase: 70's era Fender Stratocaster
-Best new hobbies: road biking and motorcycle day trips
-Best quote(s): "What the ___ kind of ritual am I gonna do with patchouli oil?" and, "The beauty is in the subtlety of the arrangement..."
-Worst day: knee surgery
-Saddest day(s): two buddies left the Dojo to pursue life in greener pastures
-Biggest accomplishment: juice fasting for 10 days

To sum it all up, it was a good year. Laughed a lot, watched friends move on to exciting things, gained a lot of work experience that will likely shape the rest of my professional career, experienced some humbling physical events, overcame those events and became healthier than ever before, had a little heartbreak, and learned some good life lessons. So thank heavens for '07, but I got no hate for '08. Be easy.

The Official Invite. Come one, come all.

2007-12-05T15:21:00.000-08:00

Andy Williams was right...

2007-12-04T17:35:00.001-08:00

It truly is the most wonderful time of the year. The snow has finally fallen, the semester is almost over, my skis have been waxed, and most importantly, the 2nd Annual Jazzy Dojo Sweater Charity Benefit Party is just right around the corner.

I am tickled a light shade of red -almost pink- to announce that the long-awaited sweater party will be held in the beloved Dojo (my house) on December 15. Stay tuned, cause I will post this year's official invite that was created by our in-house Creative Team (Adam Hook). It is sure to be an instant collector's piece.

For those of you that did not attend last year, allow me to paint a picture in your cerebral cortex (located near the lymbic system), of last year's soiree, so that you have an inkling of what to expect this year:

Ahem...

Merriment,
Crackling fire.

Misletoe,
Man's desire.

Cozy sweaters,
Gifts galore.

Candied nuts,
Egg nog? Yes please, more.

Vintage tree,
twinkling lights.

Gleeful faces,
Magical night.

If you are reading this entry, you know you are invited. Please come by the Dojo and share a classy evening with family and friends on the 15th. Don't forget to wear your favorite school teacher holiday sweater, and bring a toy or blanket for donation to a local charity for foster children. Until then, enjoy this artist's depiction of last year's event. Stay jolly.

Aromapalooza

2007-11-15T20:58:00.000-08:00

I am nasally fixated. People (girls) think its weird when I want to smell them after they walk by and I catch a big nasal cavity-full of their sex appeal. Come on, there's nothing creepy or stalkerish about that. You're watching too many movies. But you have to admit, nothing can put the exclamation point on a memory like a distinct smell.

Tonight in my marketing class, I brainstormed a list of scents that set me off like Monty Jack (Rescue Rangers) after smelling some cheese. " 'Ey Zippah! Is that CHEE-YEE-YEESE?"

See if you have any in common.

WD-40
Sea Breeze astringent
cotton candy
brand new sneakers
nail polish
Mile High Stadium
Novelty smoke in concerts/stage shows
a freshly opened Red Bull
puppy breath
Old Spice High Endurance deodorant
wet sidewalk
the Wonderbread Store
peachy peach scented pine tree air fresheners
cedar chips in parking lot dividers
Sharpie markers
the inside of acoustic guitars
Windex
Koosh balls
brand new books from your Scholastic book order in elementary school
wet wood
Nag Champa incense
hot ski wax
bacon cheese burgers
a freshly painted room (latex)
the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland
fireworks
pipe tobacco
leather seats in a car
jack-o-lanterns with candles in them
girls' hair
garlic bread in the oven
asados
brand new electronic appliances (TV's, computers, speakers)
Adam's mom's cookies
chamomile flowers in San Martin de los Andes in the spring
Oktoberfest at Snowbird
a BBQ in the evening during summer
Dairy Queen blizzards
freshly mowed lawn
panaderias in the morning
palo santo wood
new can of tennis balls
Mr. Sketch markers, even the black ones
clean carpet
pine sap
roasted marshmallows
aspens after rain/snow in the fall
coffee early on Christmas morning
motorcycle exhaust
yerba mate

McCormick Confessional

2007-10-19T13:32:00.000-07:00

You know what's a good time? Tell your mom all of the dangerous and ridiculous things you did growing up. She can't do a thing to you, other than just brow beat you a little. Try it; you'll get some laughs. Well, I'm about unload a doozie here in this post. I will now tell you about one of the stupidest things I have ever done.

One snowy evening long ago, I found myself hanging out at Marny Ray, and Arlon's apartment (I have changed their names as to protect their anonymity). Arlon was entertaining a lady friend so he was busy and not paying much attention to Marny Ray and I. Our casual chit-chat eventually turned into a conversation that would shape that night's events:

Marny Ray: "Hey dude, did you know that if you eat nutmeg it makes you really high?"
Kristjan: "No way man, thats preposterous. How could a common household spice get you high?"
MR: "I swear dude, my friend Jordan did and he swears it makes you high. He never lies."
K: "Uhh...."
MR: "Uhh...."
K: "Uhhh..."
MR & K together: "LET'S DO IT!"

So we decided to take the Pepsi Challenge, as it were. We booked it down to Smith's to pick up the finest, dankest, highest grade nutmeg that money could buy. We got the good stuff that comes in a glass jar instead of a plastic one. I think it was like "McCormick Selects" and it cost $3.73.

With the goods gripped tightly in my hand, we headed back to the apartment to tweak out. We supposed that the recommended dosage was about 2 tablespoons per person... so we took 4 tablespoons a piece just to be sure. Come to find out, swallowing dry nutmeg powder is A.) repugnant B.) really hard. A few ounces of Arlon's OJ in the fridge made the spicy smack easy enough to choke down.

With an 8 ball of spice in the stomach, it was time to wait for the swirling colors and talking pillow cushions to appear. About 3 hours had passed after we had hung out and watched Kill Bill 2, and still not even a buzz... just a deplorable aftertaste. Marmy Ray and I unanimously voted "Myth Busted" on nutmeg and we called it a night.

Folks, what happened in those wee hours of the morning between when I went to bed and when I woke for the 8 A.M. potty break, was unprecedented. I got out of bed and stumbled, no, crawled on my hands and knees into the bathroom. I couldn't believe what I saw when I looked into the mirror... big black pupils, and eye lids that were stuck at half mast. Realization finally hit me that I was "faded", using the parlence of our times. I staggered back into bed and turned on my cell phone...I had to tell somebody about this. I had to call Marny Ray.

He beat me to it. When my phone booted up, I had 3 messages from the guy. The first one was something like : "Du hahah duu hahahhaha duude Kristjan... duude. duuuude, I am so hi hahahhahahah hi hahhah hahah hiiiigh!!!" The other two messages were variations of the same thing. Contrary to Marny Ray's giggle fits, I was not feeling that handsome. Rather, I felt like I had been wrapped up in my blanket, and thrown down the stairs, then beaten with a garden hose.

This was my first run in with substance abuse, so I didn't know how to deal. The only thing that seemed logical was to call every person in my cell phone and tell them how high I was. Some of you may remember that call... priceless. After I called everyone that I knew, the only other activity that seemed appealing was feasting on mass quantities of junk food. Oh yeah, and drinking lots of water to get rid of the cotton mouth feeling.

Anyways, that lasted until about noon of the next day. Miserable. So, thats my story. I ate nutmeg and got really high. It sucked. Sorry Mom.

"In my country..."

2007-10-16T15:04:00.000-07:00

Just a thought I had today as I was lunching:

My attire today consists of Reebok shoes (British in origin, but made in China), and an Adidas track jacket (German brand, but also made in China) emblazoned with a soccer team's logo (from Argentina). I drove my Subaru Legacy (Japanese) to school where I talked to my buddy (from Denmark) and read a certificate of credit (from Spain) in my marketing class. Then, I stopped by Dask's for a gyro plate (Greek, but prepared by Mexicans) on the way to work. The soundtrack to my commute consisted of samba (Brazilian) and reggae (Jamaican).

Tonight, I will go home and fix up a cup of mate (from Paraguay) and work on some homework. Maybe I will get a second to play some blues (American) on my Fender Stratocaster (American, but built in Mexico).

Good grief, I feel like a United Nations meeting today.

The Dark Side of the Powell

2007-10-07T21:25:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here at the Dojo, sipping on a toasty mug of Mate Chocolatte, and ruminating about my weekend. I have kinda made it a point to not use my blog as a travel journal, but to use it for an outlet for sharing whats on my mind.

That being said, I just returned from a great little weekend jaunt down to Lake Powell with my friends and family. Those of you that have been there know that most any trip to Powell is an insta-classic. The scenery, the recreation, the good times with your people are always way above-par and each trip has its special moments. Let me recount one such moment.

Last night, as people were bedding down in the houseboat, I climbed myself and a sleeping bag up onto the top deck of the boat, and stretched out for few minutes of stargazing by my lonesome. Again, those of you that have ever been to Powell on a moonless night, you know that the amount of celestial eye candy above is literally entrancing. So as I was staring up at the perfectly chaotic visual mess (best way to describe what it looked like) that is our galaxy, I noticed some echoes from up the canyon that we were in. Since the night was pitch black completely still, I strained my ears to figure out what the sounds were. Buried beneath of the deep echoes being caused by the high sandstone walls, I heard: "Breathe, breathe in the air. Don't be afraid to care. Leave, but don't leave me. Look around, choose your own ground..." a.k.a, the opening lyrics to Pink Floyd's mind-blowing record, Dark Side of the Moon.

WOW. That's all I could think. I could not have handpicked a better soundtrack to accompany the incredible scenery I was taking in. The right music at the right time can really enhance a great experience like this one. My thanks to the earthy fellas camped out up the canyon from us for providing the perfect musical score for that perfect visual moment.

Things that MUST go

2007-09-25T15:35:00.001-07:00

A radio station here in Salt Lake occasionally features a spot on their morning show called "List of Things that Must Go". The DJ's basically take turns commenting on things that 'must go' and give their reasons why. Here is my list:

Overly-large turbo diesel trucks: How ignorant can you possibly be??? I am talking about the F-350 types that are lifted 10 inches, have a giant novelty scrotum hanging from the chrome trailer hitch, and belch a thick cloud of black death when the driver steps the gas. Is it just me, or are the drivers of these ridiculous trucks compensating for anything that might be on the small side? I think so. Also, I am not sure if there really is a hole in the ozone, but if so, it was caused single-handedly by these things. Thanks.

Famous Stars and Straps: the official clothing sponsor of highschool dropouts nation wide.

Fast and Furious cars: your '92 Honda Civic still only has 47 horsepower even if it is painted lime green and has a vinyl ground effect kit (that is falling off in a few places). That coffee can of a muffler isn't going to help you win the pink slips to other cars, Dogg.

Metrosexual cowboys: The kind that wear fashionably bleached and tattered jeans. A tight 'vintage' tee and a crumpled cowboy hat to top off the ensemble. They can't decide if they are sheik-chillin, or sh!t-kickin. "Hey Randy, you got that new Rascal Flatts CD in yer truck? No? You got that new 50 Cent?"

Lip Piercings: Please bless this fad goes the way of the male nipple piercing, or the eyebrow piercing.

Meatheads: Dudes that go to the gym 7 days a week, and their diet consists of whey protein shakes, creatine tablets, raw tuna fish, chicken breasts, and gallons of water. They have abnormally large traps, biceps, and lats, but their legs and lower body resemble those of Gonzo. Meatheads can be seen with any number of silver hoops in their ears, puka shell necklaces, sleeveless t shirts and may be adorned with a barbed wire tattoo around the bicep. Note the hairless limbs and the ever-present ruva bed tan.

Stand Alone Goatees: Hey Todd, 1996 called, and the singers from Metallica and Godsmack want their facial hair back. Also, they said that collecting Spawn figurines is a waste of money. Medival swords too.

Smoking: Will someone please explain to me how people still get started smoking cigarettes? I fail to see how this is appealing. "Hey bro you gotta light? *spark, spark, inhale, exhale* Ahhhhhhhh, welcome to Flavor Country!"

The Insane Clown Possee: 3 rappers with stand-alone goatees that smoke, have lip piercings, wear Famous Stars and Straps and probably drive huge trucks... and they paint their faces as if they were a possee of insanse clowns. They have their own group of hardcore fans that are called Juggalos, who paint their faces in like fasion. I guess they are considered an actual gang by city police forces? Bahahahhaha.

And those, my friends, are some things that MUST go.

Hippy Treats

2007-09-25T13:48:00.000-07:00

Let me share a couple of my recent hippy treat finds from Wild Oats.

So I guess the hip new thing among hippy health dweebs is yerba mate. The joke is on you chaco-wearing, messenger bag-toting peeps though.... Mate isn't "hip" or "new" to South Americans. Its a staple food and an ancient tradition among Argentines, Uruguayans, and Brazilians. Its like, the simplest form of customary drink around in those parts.

Anyhoo, even if it is as common as dirt in South America, I am happy that a few venture capitalist gringos who like to camp have figured out a way to make mate taste better, and make it available to people like me who live in Utah. Guayaki Mate Chocolatte is a nice blend of the traditional yerba with some cacao, and it comes in a teabag for easy use. With a squirt of honey, this stuff is bangin.

I couldn't find a picture of the other treat I found, so you will just have to look around at your local Wild Oats to find it, if you are intrigued. As I was paying for my mate, I got suckered into an impulse buy when I was looking at the other new hippy craze: dark chocolate. I found one that was a blend of curry, coconut, and dark chocolate. Let me tell you, that it was TASTY, but kinda weird. Just picture your favorite indian dish, in dessert bar form.

In an unrelated topic, let me take a few lines of this post and fill you in on the results of that juice fast/saline flush that i did for 10 days.

-It was gnarly
-I lost 13 pounds
-I have put on 3 pounds since the end of the fast
-I have no desire to eat fruit, or drink its juice
-I don't really have a desire to eat meat, either. Especially the red kind.
-After I did the saline flush (drinking 24 oz of salt water), i felt FANTASTIC. Well, not right after, but the next day I felt fantastic.
-I feel like eating healthier (well, just less soda, fried stuff, and stuff with lots of sugar)
-I know why half of America is fat though... fast food tastes really good, and you can always get it.

It was an interesting experience. One that I will likely repeat in about 6 months or so.

Finally, a reason to live again

2007-09-07T14:56:00.001-07:00

At last. The 2007-2008 Football Season (yes, in caps) is upon us. I have written a sonnet to express my gratitude:

Let many thanks be given,

For this sacred time of year.

Let the screams of triumph,

Ring out loud and clear.

Don't hold back the curse words,

When your team is distraught.

Don’t forget to celebrate

Lest their efforts be forgot(ten).

So grab some hot wings,

And call your bro's.

Its Monday night,

Forget your woes.

The task at hand,

Is 1st and 10.

Be they angels?

Nay... they are but men.

Wishing you and yours a happy and victorious year. Make this season the best of your lives.

-Kristjan

How to Feng Shui your insides

2007-09-07T13:26:00.000-07:00

In an attempt to be more zen-like and to harness my Chi, I have embarked down the long, bumpy, and hungry road of a juice fast. A few buddies of mine did it recently, and have since talked up the juice fast like it was the cat's a$$. I have always been a little skeptical of these crazy health practices, but these guys are living proof that this juice fast really helps you lose weight, detoxify your body, and reset your metabolism. I decided it was time to make a change and try something really challenging. I prefer most of my fruit in juice form anyways, so I figured it wouldn't be too bad.

You know that guy who is like, 134 years old, and looks like a senior citizen-version of Lance Armstrong? You always see him in those super positive infomercials where he is selling the Ultimate Juice Master Machine. I am talking about the God Father of Fitness, Jack La Lanne. Well I bought one of Jack's magic inventions, and I have been juicing for 2.5 days now. Here are my impressions so far:

I am hungry
I wish I was on a cheeseburger, fries, and coke-fast
I am lethargic
4 celery stalks do NOT taste good when juiced with peaches and strawberries.
I keep falling asleep
Is this really good for you?

I have been reading articles on this website, http://www.healthrecipes.com/, and they give me some hope. According what I have read, my body has been infiltrated by a whole bunch of gnarly toxins that come from years of consuming Pringles, frozen pizza, and Mtn. Dew. As the fast goes on, your body's lymphocytes attack all of the gnar, and burn it up as fuel. This process results in physical discomfort and weakness, and is dubbed a "cleansing crisis". Well, I am right on track then.

So, I know this post isn't as witty and entertaining as some others, but my humor is being eaten from the inside currently. Anyhoo, I am fiending a huge plate of cheese ravioli, with a quesadilla on the side, but I am gonna tough this one out and prove to myself that 'mind over matter' really is a trait of a Jedi Knight.

The Search for Inspirado

2007-08-26T22:14:00.000-07:00

Alright, enough screwing around. After 13 years of playing the guitar, thousands of dollars invested in equipment, and *several* thousand hours plunking around on La Nina, La Pinta, and the Santa Maria (shown here at the right)...what do I have to show for it? Not a freaking thing, is the answer. Not one single tune of my own.

Every time I pick up one of the Three Amigos, I end up playing the same blues riff, the same reggae rhythm, or the same cheesey power ballad. But not anymore folks. The time has come to harness my inner Grammy-machine and put my cunning and creativity to work. I'll never be a Mayer, a Marley, or a Prince, but dammit I know there is at least one decent song floating around in my head somewhere. I just need a little help coaxing it out.

Maybe my inability to write a song comes from my lack of inspiration. A wise craftsman of tunes was asked about this very subject: "Where do songs come from? Inspirado. I mean, I could 23-skidoo you a song, I could zippity-doo-dah YOU, a song. But that would be false, it would be wrong. I mean, you can’t 'manufacture' inspirado. It rises from a stillness of quietude. When your heart mingles with your soul and… oh man they do the dance…"

Fair enough, but of the 5,000+ songs on my ipod, most of them are about love, oppression, politics, racism, or money/fame. So why don't I just write one about any of the aforementioned topics? Let's see:

Love- seeing as how that has never worked out for me, there aint much to say
Oppression- two words: caucasian, Salt Lake City
Politics- don't know enough to care, don't care enough to know
Racism- most of Utah monotone. besides, I don't have any racist issues
Money/Fame- don't have much of the former, and none of the latter.

So unless anybody else has any bright ideas, I am at a stalemate. Any suggestions are welcome. Until then, I am gonna rock nonstop til something materializes. You never know, maybe I will end up recording my epiphany onto the next EFY album. I can only aspire to such an accomplishment. Inspirado.

SUNSHINE

2007-08-10T12:34:00.000-07:00

Do you remember the first time you saw Jurassic Park? Or if you are from an older generation, the first time you saw Alien? If you were anything like me, you were gripping onto the arm rests of the movie theater chair, white knuckle steeze, fighting the urge to piss your pants, and your eyes were as wide as you could possibly jam them open. Not many flicks have had that effect on me, but I saw one last night that had me fit-to-be-tied, as they say.

Sunshine is hands-down the raddest movie I have seen all year. It kind of snuck in this summer and opened quietly, in the shadow of would-be summer blockbusters like Transformers and Harry Potter 11 (or whatever number it was). Well, the joke is on those two films, as they blow in comparison to this masterpiece.

Ok, before I hype it up too much and ruin it, let me give you a *brief* idea of what you will behold when you see it. A crew of astronauts is on the way to the sun to give it a little jumpstart, and all hell breaks loose. Thats it. Thats all I'm telling.

Sunshine isn't playing in too many theaters (it's only at Trolley Square in SLC), but if you can find it, check it out. If nothing else, you will like the dope soundtrack and an insane visual display, that will mostly likely give you heart palpitations.

I will issue a solemn warning though... do not go see this movie unless you want your a$$es blown out. Still not sold? Peep the trailer here.

Freedom of the road

2007-08-07T22:01:00.000-07:00

Have you ever smelled the road? Have you ever felt it? I'm not talking about getting down on your hands and knees and taking a big whiff of the asphalt and then petting it like a kitten. I'm talking riding a motorcycle.

Its pretty incredible. In fact its one of my three most favorite things to do. There is nothing like hanging onto 800 pounds of steel, gas, and rubber, and letting the 1800 cc's of raw power shove you along the road effortlessly. The rumble of the V-twin+ the smell of the outdoors mixed with your exhaust+ the deafening sound of the wind beating on your ear drums+ the vibration from the piston strokes= chills up my spine/complete serenity.

You see, riding in car is a mostly uninvolved, mundane daily activity. You see whats in front of you, you hear the radio, you smell your air freshener or the leather seats, and you feel the artificial A/C blowing you in the face. Thats about it. Lame.

When I'm on the bike, there's no such thing as a blind spot. I see everything to the left, to the right, above, and below me. I smell the diesel exhaust from the truck in front of me, the smell of the freshly cut grass to the left, the cool scent of the creek to the right, and the freshly bloomed chamomile flowers up ahead. I feel the temperature change from warm to cool as I cross over the river, the heat coming off the car next to me, and the mist from the sprinklers on at the park. Awesome.

Its a 360-experience. You feel it. You remember what its like 3 days after a ride. You want to do it every day that the sun is out and the temperature is above freezing. Don't be surprised if one day you guys see me with a gnarly beard, a huge gut, a pony tail, and a plethora of black t- shirts with skulls on them. You will know what I have decided to do with my life.

2007-08-01T14:11:00.000-07:00

So, there are two types of people in this world:

1.) Those who understand and embrace Prince
2.) Those who don’t.

In a recent discussion at the Dojo (the house I live in), we came to the above conclusion after some serious thought. The simple fact is, Prince is a musical genius and piece of American History.

So what if he dresses like a bullfighter or a figure skater on stage? So what if he changed his name to a symbol without pronunciation for a while? So what if he is only like, 5’5” and casually wears high heels like I wear sneakers?

I’m not gonna deny it… the guy is weird. But so are most musical virtuosos. Just a few things that are on his list of radness: he put Minneapolis on the map, has a color dedicated to him, SHREDS on a guitar, plays several other instruments proficiently, worked with Miles Davis (who actually was one of Prince’s biggest fans), sings just as well falsetto as he does baritone, and put on the best Superbowl half time show ever (yes, even better than Michael Jackson’s.)

Anybody who can seamlessly blend velour, lace, high heels, women, purple, motorcycles, jerry curls, and face-melting guitar solos to paint a masterpiece, is more than OK in my book. I wouldn’t exactly call Prince a man’s man, but you better believe he is more hetero than a hairy lumberjack, a truck mechanic, and a middle line backer combined.

So today, the background color of my blog is dedicated to none other than Prince Rogers Nelson.

The ultimate survey

2007-07-31T13:50:00.000-07:00

Hi, thanks for dropping by to check out my new e-diary. To break this baby in...

You know those mostly-ridiculous surveys that your friends always send you while you are at work? The kind that really don't give you any insight as to what your friend is actually like? The kind that were mostly likely written by a 14 year old girl, trying to find out if a certain boy liked her? Well, here's my self-administered rendition of one of those surveys. Hopefully you will learn something new about me:

What is your name? Kristjan Michael Morgan
Where is your first name from? Norway
Where does your middle name originate? The King of Pop. Even Michael Jackson.
Where were you supposed to be born? Southern California
On a scale of 1 to 10, how rad do you honestly believe you are? 8.8
Favorite color? Hurricane Blue.. like the color of my eyes. Seriously, they have their own pan tone.
Dream job? Musician. What in the world could be better than playing music, changing lives, setting the mood for a makeout session, making a whole crowd of people move their bodies, inspiring the masses, traveling, and make grips of cash at the same time?
If you were black, what hairstyle would you sport? Long ropey dreadlocks.
What is your dream pet? A bat.
What do you do in your spare time? Create music, ride my motorcycle.
Who would you like to have lunch with? Bob Marley, Bear Grylls, Liu Kang
Talent you wish you had? Singing. Also, urban ninjitsu (i think they call it Parkour)
Guilty Pleaures? John Mayer, Pixar movies, magic tricks, the Electric Boogie by Marcia Griffiths
Things you hate: Wow, 'hate' is such a strong word... really harsh... i hate finance classes, accounting classes, homework in general, staying up late to study, red lights, getting your pay check and noticing how much was taken out for taxes, hot wind, typos, when my fingernails are long, cold showers, waiting for phone calls, tracked-out ski resorts after a big storm, when people ride their brakes going down the canyon, indecision, things that aren't fun.
Things you love: Things that are fun, a recently washed car, fresh powder, a new pair of sneakers, new socks, finishing something that was really hard, the smell of clean air, a cool/dark room, clean sheets, feasting, when the turbo engages in my car, trying something really good for the first time, leaving a Mtn. Dew in the freezer until its kind of slushy, being in the right place at the right time, the sound of my bike when it starts up, laughing really hard at mostly inappropriate times, laying in a hammock, exceptional chips and salsa.
What would you rather be doing right this very second? Fastening on a BC, getting ready to jump into the ocean for a dive, swimming in a cool river, eating a chimichanga from the Red Iguana, or driving to somewhere really neat.
Biggest fear? Becoming a suit-sporting working stiff, being lame after i get married
Have you ever almost died? Yes, i almost choked to death on a chocolate donette on the way to a zoo when I was a boy.
Lifestyle you wish you had right now: Neo hippy traveller living off of whatever money i could scrape together, never wearing anything more formal than jeans and sneakers.